I considered a few different titles for this blog. One of which was “dealing with anxiety.” But, I felt that wasn’t entirely truthful or accurate. I’m not sure I really deal with it as it’s just a part of my life. Everyday. It ranges from being uncomfortable and antsy at the store all the way to imagining horrible events happening. If I leave my dog at home, I worry that she will get into something that I didn’t notice. Or even worse I imagine the house will catch on fire. If I take her with me, I’m stressed out that we will get into a car accident. Very rarely do I leave her in the car, but if I do, it’s for a very quick errand and never if it’s hot out. When I do, thoughts of my car being stolen with her in it enter my mind. When I do leave her with my mom, who I trust completely, I still worry that she will get into something because she’s a little hoover. Nose is always to the ground.

It’s exhausting. I’m constantly bombarded with horrible images and thoughts of possible horrific events. This is all while I am on medications. Believe it or not this is better than it used to be. Last year when I wasn’t on anything I would cry when I had to leave the house. I would have panic attacks in the store even if I was only in there for ten minutes. Which did in fact happen one time. It’s bad enough having to live with all of this but when it greatly interferes with your ability to do activities of daily living it feels like your world is closing down around you. I’m sure I have slight agoraphobia, but I don’t have the official diagnosis for it.

There are a few things I’ve found that can help lessen the effects, but it really depends on how bad the anxiety is. Counting each breath I take. I used to just try to take deep breaths, but my aunt told me to count each one as well. Believe it or not that small change made a big difference. Instead of focusing on your panic you think about what number you’re on. For me, listening to personal development has helped as well. If I’m anxious about a social event, I listen to it in the car on the way there. Usually concentrating on the air entering my lungs and exhaling slowly.

I’m still figuring out what works for me. And what does might not for you. But, we don’t have to be helpless. You are not alone in this struggle. There are millions of us that fight these same battles. It may not fix anything, but knowing there are others out there who go through this as well gives me some solace.

If you are exhibiting these same feelings you can get through this. Join a support group, reach out to friends (I know this one isn’t easy depending on circumstances but, you may be surprised), and I definitely recommend therapy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help! I know that these subjects are still considered taboo and there are so many people who don’t understand. But, that doesn’t matter. What does, is insuring you can life your life to the fullest. A therapist can be an outside perspective that helps you work through issues you may not even be aware of. Honestly, I believe everyone should be in therapy. Maybe we if we all learned how to deal with our emotions better there wouldn’t be as much conflict and hatred in the world. This is probably just wishful thinking but, you never know.

Don’t let anxiety dictate or ruin your life. I know the fear of being judged and misunderstood is strong. But, the people who would look down on you for this is not worth your time. What matters is you. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to be seen. Take control of your life and get the help you need. Remember, asking for help doesn’t make you weak. In fact it makes you pretty forking strong in my opinion. Keep fighting the good fight. I’m right along side you even if we don’t know each other.

Much love,

B

I have never experienced so much fatigue in my life than I have over the last couple months. I am ALWAYS tired. And it’s not one of those “if I just get a good night sleep I’ll be fine.” No no. There is no such thing. It’s also varying degrees of fatigue. Before my depression got worse a few weeks ago I was actually feeling better. My RA med was helping me not be so lethargic. But, then ugly depression came screaming back and all I wanted to do was sleep because I didn’t see the point in getting up. This has been going on for a solid two weeks. Wake up in a bad mood? See if going back to sleep changes anything. Feeling upset? Take a nap and try to reset.

Then there is activity fatigue. You have a good day, and while it doesn’t feel like you are over exerting yourself in the moment, your body is laughing quietly in the background. Little do you know that when you wake up the following day that you’ll be down for the count. I’m talking sleep coma status. Can’t function for anything. It’s totally bogus. How are we supposed to accomplish anything when this happens? And it’s incredibly frustrating that people who don’t battle autoimmune disorders think we are just being lazy. Trust me we wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.

The last time I skated was June 29th. I was extremely excited because it was the first time I felt well enough to since April 19th. My feet were very angry with me and kept cramping up. Now, this is due to a combination of reasons. One, my feet are more affected with RA than any other body part. And two, they aren’t used to being strapped into my skates anymore. I was only able to do it for 20-30 minutes. I finally had to concede and take all my gear off. By the time I left I had a slight limp. Fast forward to the following day and I slept for FIFTEEN hours! Sure, I woke up a few times. But, when I did, I was so out of it I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. It’s extremely disheartening. 

So, if you are reading this and don’t suffer from any of these obnoxious issues, please be kind to those of us that do. It’s not as easy as you all think it is. If you see us struggling to do the day to day tasks, ask if there is anything you can do to help lessen the burden. Better yet, just do it. More than likely the person will say they are fine even though they are drowning in their to do list. 

Much love,

B

Hellur, my name is Brittany. I’m 29 years young living in the Pacific Northwest. I have a dog and a cat. They are my little munchkins. And my soul is fueled by all things roller derby! I’ve been wanting to start a blog for quite some time now, but never really got around to it.

I was officially diagnosed with depression in 2011. However, I suffered with it to some degree years before that. My anxiety reared it’s ugly head around 2015 or so. Since then I have tried countless meds. Seven antidepressants to be exact. Yes, you read that correctly. Seven. October 2018, I was told that they had genetic testing for mental health medications and since I had already failed 4 by that time, it would be covered. Come to find out I hadn’t tried “any of the good ones” as my med management person so eloquently said. Next, we tried Zoloft because it was the only one listed in the “use as directed column” that had a generic available. I was optimistic at first.

After about a month we upped my dose which is when the ugly side effects came about. I was barely sleeping, I was an emotional wreck, etc. Then day 56 happened. I’m sure you’re wondering why I remember this. But, it was a very very bad day. I was sitting in the living room crying, having yet another panic attack. I looked over at my bottle of pills and for a second I thought “I could just take them all.” This scared the shit out of me. In all my years of battling depression I never once tried or even thought about hurting myself. I was talking to a dear friend of mine and he urged me to call and make an appointment ASAP. Which I did.

They were able to get me in the following day as I pleaded on the phone in tears. I did have a problem with how that conversation went. It was extremely obvious I was in distress and yet she never asked me any screening questions to find out if I was going to harm myself. After my emergency appointment I discussed this with the person I saw. She informed me that she wasn’t told why I was seeing her or given any information about it for that matter. I ended up talking with the office manager. She thanked me several times for bringing this to her attention and said she would be using this situation for further training of the office staff. Now, I probably don’t need to delve into this so deeply, but it is important. It’s my story. My journey. However shitty it may be. 

I have been on my current antidepressant, number 7, since Feb 14th. I have tolerated it the best out of all of them and I do believe it is the correct med for me. So why am I still depressed? Ha. I wish that was a simple answer. The roller derby cycle had just started and things we’re going great. I was skating two days a week and going to the gym 3 days.

I was more active than I had been in ages. And then it started. My feet were killing me. Just walking into the kitchen was a struggle, let alone strapping on my skates and doing my thing. I missed three weeks due to this and finally had to make the decision to drop the cycle. I was falling behind and the pain wasn’t going away. One of my primary doctors ran some blood work and from that I was able to get a referral for endocrinology and rheumatology. Over the next 6 weeks I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and rheumatoid arthritis. It felt, and still does feel, like my world was ending. 

So here I am. Just a girl dealing with the shitty hand I got dealt. Wanting to help others navigate these treacherous waters.